I fell I have a serious hurdle to overcome, I have a love / hate relationship with money. I think this relationship is seeded in my childhood experiences of watching my family suffer because of money problems. Another thing that has led to this problem coming to my attention is that I want to live for God so much that I don’t want to want or need money.
I understand that hating money and not wanting money is me taking the easy way out. What I really need to do is be more disciplined with money and actually learn to receive and use money graciously. When people want to give me money to help with ministry work I actually feel guilty. I don’t want people to think I have ulterior motives for talking to them and that I am always trying to get money out of them.
The key to me overcoming my problem is to take control of my money through being disciplined and learning to trust God more on financial matters. If I was single, I assume this would be easy. I love to give money away and use money to bless others but now that I have 2 children, house and car payments, a roof that needs replacing, an air conditioner that broke down, a hot water heater that hasn’t worked in 2 years (we heat water on the stove for showers) and other responsibilities, I can’t run from the fact that I have to make money work for me.
I diligently budget leading up to every salary and the story my budget tells me is that after we pay our bills, we can barely afford to get one of the list of things that need fixing fixed and then will be living on a shoestring budget for the month hoping that the nappies and milk last.
Everyone says that this is normal for ‘1st time home owners’ BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IT !! My God is an awesome God, I know I do things which displease him with money and the main one is not trusting him enough. I fear money, I fear it will lead me astray and my God does not give me a spirit of fear so I know this is not right.
I BELIEVE those who serve God should be paid better than rock stars and those who sell sex, drugs and rock and roll should be paupers. That is not the world we live in, the world’s finances are fickle BUT I am not. I love God and I want to serve him in every way. My finances are in His hands and I WILL DO the things I know he wants me to do but have always been too lazy / scared to do.
See Part Two