Not Liking Myself

The weirdest thoughts and feelings have been coming over me over the past few days. I have started to have big doubts about myself and feel as though I am not a likeable person. It seems a lot of it has to do with my new position at work. I am the head of a department with 9 people in it and I have to deal with people’s personalities and differences in professionalism. It leads to quite a bit of stress.

Interestingly, as I was praying about this on my way to work, God gave me another part of the answer. I was nearing my place of work when I saw a guy pushing a huge pile of rubbish on a ‘becak’. The Holy Spirit told me to give to him. I stopped my motorcycle, opened my wallet, pulled out some money, did a dangerous U-turn and headed back toward the man. As I handed over the money and he replied ‘Matur Nuwun’(A formal Javanese way of saying thank you) a kind of revelation hit me; perhaps I have been feeling pretty pathetic because I haven’t been doing what God has called me to do. I haven’t been giving and serving and loving enough.

I have had few more rewarding experiences in my life than when I have been preaching God’s word to people I know to need a little bit of His love and light in the dark lives. I find no greater joy than finding a place in the gutter with a few homeless kids and sharing a meal. I love nothing more than to tell a group of kids at an orphanage that they are the chosen generation who will be used to bring His Kingdom to heaven.

When I reflect I notice that I have been in a cycle of working hard, being stressed and trying to relax with foot reflexology, holidays, extra sleep and so on. I now understand that if I don’t DO the things God has ordained me to do I won’t have peace.

I believe He requires me to work hard to lead my team at work. I know I need His anointing and wisdom to lead and inspire and provide feedback for the nine different people I am responsible for. I know that if I cry out to Him when it gets tough, He will give me peace.

Amen